sydney is empty. a year of smiles, tears and still hopes.

i'm leaving, soon.

nothing is ever finished forever

i am someone that wants a lot of things, and inadvertently i am never satisfied because of that. i always want better grades, better luck, better whatever. i always think that other people don't try hard enough to get what they want and complain about how their life sucks.

but i am slowly coming to realize that that mindset has always been externally instilled, that that may not be the person that i really am. 2009 is a standalone year of personal discoveries. i'm starting to admit that maybe, not everything has to be under control all the time. maybe sometimes FML is really true, and there is some merit to the website.

such as is this one:

Today, I received my passport in the mail. They got my birthdate wrong. Then I picked up my birth certificate that I had sent in with the application. Turns out my parents have been celebrating my birthday on the wrong day for 16 years. FML

This time last year in 2008, I was thinner, but sadder and poorer. life is not about perfection like one of those diamond things that people have in online games as their character stats AGI/STR/DEX, which they strive to completely fill up. but even in a game, it isn't possible. in the game, the key to create a character to win your opponent is in balancing up the different stats. such is true in real life. but the me that thinks like that is not the me i am now. life is to be lived and not played. muse but don't analyse.

i could be studying now, there are people that are studying now. i have been told to study now. but for now i'll just peruse the beautiful destinations on the STA website and dream about visiting them all and watch badminton videos. not studying now is not a crime, i need to achieve, but not to achieve perfection.

(i never play online games god knows where all these gaming references come from)

kthxbye

moments of fragility

melbourne is not sydney. sydney is sunshine to the extent of compulsiveness and melbourne is dreary weather, where a multitude of emo thoughts can stack up on upon the other like books on a bookshelf to fall down like dominoes when given the slightest touch.

1. the melbourne cbd, a few streets from hx's house.

2. hx patiently indulged me in my desire to photograph all the universities of melbourne. drew the line at monash :P

3. university of melbourne, where i followed hx to return a book. this photo took so much effort because we were trying to take it without ANYONE in the corridor at all. obviously we were not very persevering.



4. entrance to unimelb's carpark. i would be so entertained just by walking through this door to my car every day.



5. hi huixian. this is how i look like after spending a whole months worth of cramming in my room.



6. not all mine okay. for entertainment purposes only la.



7. christmas :)





8. one of the greatest barriers in my neverending quest for a healthier lifestyle.


9. me picking my dream house decor :P





10. victorian night market. baby i want a hammock like this one day okay.




11. my date ;)



12. goodnight

i left someone behind when i went to melbourne. isn't it funny? but of course, i hesitate when the best thing in the world is right in front of me, when i know that this is it, reach out and grab it, when rational thoughts are no longer important. when the world is finally the right place to live in. but i am lucky, not always but this time, i am lucky. he reaches out and i push him away. i accept and decline intimacy at the same time. i am testing him. its not fair but for all the reasons in the world i have to test him. the more i fall into it the more i am afraid, and the more i push. i frustrate myself. why can't you just stop thinking? stop debating forever and stop trying to see lies in the truth. stop being afraid. stopitstopitstopitstopitstopitstopit how do you explain the feeling when your heart stops and falls into the depths of your chest cavity when words or actions in the now brings back a nauseating feeling of deja vu? it is like riding a rollercoaster without a seatbelt. but i am lucky and he is patient. we are all broken in one way or another, but he sees past to where the damage has been done, and gently and carefully, he holds me close and fixes me.